Blog Posts - Karen E. Lee - Author

RIP Jonathan Cainer

5/4/2016

I was so sorry to hear of the passing of Jonathan Cainer, one of England's most well known astrologers. Jonathan did for me what he rarely if ever did for anyone - wrote a brief review/blurb for my book. He was my touchstone during one of the most painful parts of my life and I printed five of his horoscope readings in my book.

‘Life is very short and there’s no time for fussing and fighting my friend . . .’ So sang The Beatles in We Can Work It Out. Not that this stopped them from fussing or fighting in the years after that song became a hit. Did they work it out? Well, they at least stopped long enough to notice how short life is and they shared some sense of the precious perspective with which we should all view our existence. You may not have all the answers, but you have enough to make today a good day.' Jonathan Cainer, Daily Mail, 3 May, 2016

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3569684/Mail-astrologer-Jonathan-Cainer-dies-suspected-heart-attack-aged-58-poignant-final-forecast-read-not-long-make-moment.html#ixzz47ifDHyUV

Finding the Courage to Write your Memoir

5/3/2016

Finding the Courage to Write About My Abusive Marriages April 24, 2016 | By Karen E. Lee

When people think of courage, mountain peaks and raging rivers usually come to mind. But memoir writing can be one of the most courageous acts anyone ever does.
I began to write my memoir after years of keeping silent about the abuse in my two marriages – except for writing in my journals. Compulsive journal writing netted me a stack of notebooks fourteen high but no peace – no answer to my questions about my past decisions and how I’d come to choose two angry, controlling and eventually violent, men. I still didn’t know, when I read these carefully preserved memories, how a well-educated, intelligent woman ended up in two very unhappy marriages.
In the beginning of writing my own story I couldn’t even say the word abuse or relate it to myself. Nor could I make sense of the fact that I had, indeed, crawled through the emotional battle ground of my life to come out the other side and create a whole new life for myself with a loving husband who is my best friend.
I had survived my marriages by shutting down – by being in denial. Every once in a while I would question my life and cry in frustration and pain, but then I would pack up all the feelings and shove them down out of awareness again. Endurance became my life.
When I started to write, I looked on it as just a writing project, so I bought memoir “how to” books, signed up for writing courses and conferences. I learned to find my story arc, write dialogue and scenes. I was safe. But as soon as I dipped into my journals, the preserved chronicles of my past, the words came out of hibernation and were alive again. They had been there all along, waiting. Once I opened this Pandora’s box of my life, sharp images bombarded me and the need to make sense of it all wouldn’t let go.
Good memoir memoir writing can never be just a literary project. It is part of an emotional process in which I had to summon the willingness, persistence and courage needed to look at all I had stored in my memory. It became a mission I couldn’t turn away from. I needed to write, to remember, to persist. To crawl through the pain once again but this time do it with a difference. When I lived it all the first time I was numb, shut down, unable to cope – and I had no idea what the future would bring. But now, as I wrote, I already knew the ending and I just needed to see how it had all happened – to finally connect the dots of my life.
Initially as I began to write and re-live memories of the past, hot anger would bubble to the surface – anger at myself for the choices I had made, for what I saw as my weakness, and outrage at those I saw as my oppressors, including my parents and my two husbands. Sometimes I was overwhelmed with pain at the mistakes I had made and my lost hopes and dreams for my own life and those of my children. At times I was afraid I would get lost in the past and not be able to find my way back.
Eventually I began to realize that experiences I had as a child had left me vulnerable. I was told to put up with an intolerable situation, so in time my feelings were numbed. Because of this, though I sometimes knew my own mind, I wasn’t strong enough to assert myself with people more aggressive than me. I simply fell in line with what my two husbands said about me and wanted me to do. I was corralled into a position of inaction. I turned the hurt inward in the form of anxiety and depression, to explode at times, but not change anything.
Seeing my own role in my life decisions began to empower me – I wasn’t a complete victim. If I were to become more aware of the protective power of my feelings and if my actions were more in tune with those feelings, I could live a life with more integrity. The feeling of empowerment gave me the courage necessary to finally experience the emotions and reactions I had buried so long ago. I was in awe at what I had been able to accomplish even while I endured so much hurt and pain.
Memoir is a story you already know the ending to when you start to write – or you think you do. In the process of discovering and uncovering what I had pushed into my unconscious I knew more about how I ended up at that particular point. I could now integrate all the “new” information into my identity, my picture of who I am. I could forgive myself and accept what had happened. And in doing so, I changed. I was no longer the person I was when I began the memoir project. I climbed out of the limited, personal view I’d had of my life and achieved a much larger perspective.
There is the kind of courage you exhibit in a moment’s decision to rescue a child from drowning. But there is also courage that persists over time. If your memoir is to be deeply truthful, you must have the determination to look within the dark corners of yourself, to shine a light on those aspects of your life that have been hidden away, denied and disowned. Facing what you fear the most in yourself and reintegrating and accepting those parts requires a different kind of courage than climbing Mt. Everest, but by doing so, you can change yourself and, in doing so, change your potential future.

Maria Shriver's e-newsletter

4/7/2016

http://mariashriver.com/blog/2016/04/6-ways-to-support-a-domestic-abuse-victim-karen-lee/

I am thrilled that my article on "How to support domestic abuse victims" has been chosen by Maria Shriver for her inspiring newsletter.

BY KAREN E. LEE / ON A MISSION / APRIL 14, 2016

I was a victim of both physical and emotional/psychological abuse, and it has taken me a long time to be able to both admit it to myself and admit it publicly. I did what many women do – felt shame that this was happening to me, felt responsible, hid it away and denied it to myself. I am a professional, well-educated woman who came from a non-violent family. My husband had a PhD and enjoyed a good income – not the sort of marriage that would normally be thought of as abusive. We went on holidays to Hawaii and Europe, had family ski passes and season tickets to the theatre. We could have been your neighbors, your work colleagues, your dinner companions. You might have thought we “had it all,” but if you had looked behind the scenes, you would have seen a different picture from the one we portrayed to the world. I was emotionally and financially tied to my abusive husband who regularly ranted, raved, screamed, swore, threatened, relentlessly criticized, broke furniture and otherwise vented his anger on us, his family, but mainly me, his wife.

If we, as the caring public, are going to combat domestic violence, it is important that we look it right in the eye, so please don’t flinch when you read the following statistics:
In the United States:

1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime.
More than 60% of domestic violence incidents happen at home.
More than 4 million women a year experience physical assault and rape by their partners.

(Source: Safehorizon.org)

I have had much time to heal and have come up with six things that might have helped me in the past – things that might help women being subjected to the kind of abuse I was.

1. If you think someone is living in an abusive situation they likely are. Trust your instincts that tell you that something just isn’t right. Why does your neighbor never invite you to her home for coffee? Why is she so quiet and nervous and reluctant to share anything about her family life? Why do you hear yelling from her house on a regular basis?

2. Ask questions, not ones that assume something is wrong, but caring inquiries: Questions like “How are you?” And don’t stop at the standard “I’m fine.” Probe – gently. This takes skill, but if you are truly concerned, your sincerity will come through. Example, “If you ever need to talk, I’m happy to listen.” Or, “You know, I just heard from my sister, and she is having problems with a very difficult husband,” and see if she responds. Be caring but not intrusive.

3. If she discloses that something is wrong, believe her, let her talk and listen without judgment.

4. Find out about the help available in your community for domestic violence victims. That way, if someone does disclose something, you can suggest some resources.

5. Don’t make assumptions. Just because a woman dresses well or holds an important job doesn’t mean her marriage is happy. She may be putting on a show for the public and not know what to do about the situation.

6. Realize that there are many reasons why the woman may not leave right away. Don’t be afraid – something you say may stick in her mind and be of help later. When a woman friend heard my husband speak disrespectfully to me at a party, she asked me, “Why do you let him speak to you that way?” I couldn’t act on this comment at the time, but I remembered it later and realized what she was trying to say to me – “He treats you poorly and even does it in public.”

The general public, counselors, doctors, nurses, other healthcare professionals – everyone needs to examine their assumptions about domestic abuse if they are going to let themselves see and hear what their friends, neighbors, patients and clients are experiencing. Only then, we will collectively be able to shine a light on the hidden world of abuse and do something to help.

Buzzfeed named The Full Catastrophe the #1 book to Inspire your Spring Renewal!

4/7/2016

5 Books To Inspire Your Spring Renewal Spring means blooming flowers, lots of allergies, and the opportunity to start over. If your New Year’s resolutions didn’t go quite as planned, don’t despair! There is still plenty of time to take charge and amp up your life with a little Spring Renewal. If you want to make a change but aren’t sure how, use these books for inspiration. We promise they’re cheaper than a life coach.

#1. The Full Catastrophe: A Memoir by Karen Elizabeth Lee
In 1998, Karen finally tells her abusive husband of fourteen years, Duncan, that she wants a divorce. But ten months later Duncan is diagnosed with cancer, and before Karen knows it, he’s gone. Without Duncan’s bullying to keep her distracted, Karen realizes that she has her own demons to face, which she does with the help of dream analysis and Jungian psychology. It will have you wanting to start your own dream journal as you follow Ms. Lee on her journey!

Guest Blog Spot On Gransnet UK

3/24/2016

http://www.gransnet.com/forums/blogs/1224555-To-the-outside-world

"To the outside world"

Karen Lee describes years of emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of her husband - and the devastating effect of his death, just as she had summoned the courage to ask for a divorce.

Posted on: Thu 24-Mar-16 11:46:08

To the outside world I was a middle class, successful business woman dressed in the latest designer suits with matching bag and shoes. A trained psychologist and management specialist, I consulted throughout the UK, Europe and the Middle East – but within our home, my life was very different. There, I was screamed at, insulted, threatened, and belittled by my husband. I was emotionally and psychologically abused on an almost daily basis and I felt trapped. Ashamed and embarrassed, I thought it was my responsibility to keep it concealed and to show a face to the world that would never indicate what was hidden behind our front door.

My husband held a Ph.D. in management and had a successful business career in Calgary, Alberta. We moved from Canada to England so he could take up a position at a respected university north of London. We had married after my first marriage failed and I was left on my own with two young sons and no support. My new husband gave me the financial stability and, I hoped, the companionship I needed. He was an intelligent, handsome man who loved reading, music and the theatre – potentially a perfect partner – but I was wrong. While he wanted to look after us and even start a business partnership with me, he was extremely controlling. He would lose his temper over the slightest thing – in public or private. He didn't care if we were in a shopping mall, on a plane, or in the middle of the street. He would stand outside our house to scream obscenities at me, and in blind rages break chairs over the kitchen counter.

I tried to reason with him, and went to therapy on my own to try to think of ways to deal with him. We even went to marital counselling sessions but nothing worked. He couldn't control his anger. Counsellors didn't seem to understand what I was going through and I felt obliged to "stick it out" to avoid telling my family I had failed again.

After living in England for two years, I found a counsellor who heard my anguish, and who said "Your husband's not going to change. Get out of the marriage."

Imagine the tragic irony that when I finally had the courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Eight months later he died in the London Clinic.

While devastated with grief from my husband's death, I also knew I needed to recover from the years of abuse I'd endured. I had many symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – physical pain, nightmares, anxiety, sleeplessness, drinking too much, inability to concentrate and low self-confidence. A therapist in London helped me to figure out why I had fallen victim to a bully and what I wanted for my own independent life. It was two steps forward and one back for about four years, but I healed with the support of friends and faith in the universe. Now I have a new life and a happy marriage.

Karen's memoir The Full Catastrophe, a true story about a woman's ability to heal and resurrect her life after the death of her abusive husband, is published by She Writes Press and is available from Amazon.

SanFrancisco Book Review

3/11/2016

http://www.sanfranciscobookreview.com/2016/03/10-books-every-badass-woman-read-spring/

The San Francisco Book Review has named The Full Catastrophe as "One of ten books every badass woman should read this Spring." I am thrilled to be included with such talented authors and pleased that my book is beginning to have an impact in spreading the word about difficult life journeys, healing and recovery from abuse.

Book reviews

2/15/2016

REDBOOK MAGAZINE has named my book # 5 of "The 20 Best Books You Absolutely Must Read This Spring"

By REDBOOK Editors

2016 is shaping up to be an incredible year for book lovers. Here is a sneak peek at our picks for the hottest books to look out for this spring–whether you are heading out for a long weekend to break up winter blues, gearing up for spring break or just staying in.

#5 The Full Catastrophe, by Karen Elizabeth Lee

Lee's memoir chronicles her recovery and salvation after her husband Duncan (whom she planned to divorce after 14 years of emotional abuse) dies of cancer. Left to face her own demons without Duncan's ranting to keep her company, Lee turns to Jungian psychology in order to make sense of her life. What she finds are the strength and tools that may help her finally resurrect it.

Why we're looking forward to it: This feels like the perfect mix of a psychological study paired with inspirational self-help.

http://www.redbookmag.com/life/g3183/good-books-to-read/

My work with the Peer Support Services for Abused Women

12/15/2015

Recently I was asked to represent the PSSAW (Peer Support Services for Abused Women), along with staff member Meghan Wright, at the kick off of the Calgary Herald Christmas Fund. Every year the Calgary Herald newspaper collects public donations and then picks fourteen service organizations in Calgary to receive these funds. This money makes it possible for these groups to give to people who need help - from food to counseling - and make Calgary a more caring place for people to live. I am proud to be a part of this organization that does so much to help women about to leave, and who have left, abusive situations and to have helped secure our place among those groups receiving funds this year.

Chapter 2 Page 12 & 13 After Duncan's Funeral

12/9/2015

"The sandwiches and tea were served in our garden. I was glad I’d had the small pond dug at the edge of the stone patio at the beginning of the summer. I’d always wanted a pond (photo above). The yellow marsh marigolds and purple water irises were at their peak. The flowering almond tree we’d planted was no longer in bloom, but the leaves were full and dark green. The arbor in the corner of the garden (photo below) was hung with baskets of pink fuschias and partially covered by clematis and night-flowering jasmine. I often came out in the evenings to sit on the wooden bench in its shadow.
The dark pink star lilies Duncan and I had planted the previous autumn were in bloom, and I’d filled the pots on the patio with pale pink, yellow, and mauve annuals. He’d never liked to spend much time outdoors, and had only agreed to help me plant the lilies in hopes that I would appreciate his effort to mend the rips in our marriage. I had appreciated the help, but there’d been too many tears for even the most beautiful flowers to heal.
I sat on my garden patio and talked and drank tea with a couple Duncan had known from their graduate days at Case Western in Cleveland. They thanked me for spending so much time with them, but, in fact, I couldn’t bear doing a round of well-meaning small talk with all the guests. I felt the weight of loss crushing me, and the need to grasp at air so I wouldn’t faint. I was hiding in plain sight.
After the last guest left, I laid the small dark casket, ashes inside, on the fireplace hearth, along with the two framed pictures from the funeral, and surrounded them all with bouquets of flowers. A shrine. At last, it was over. Finished. The lid closed on that part of my life. I was free.
Of course, at the time, I didn’t realize that chains are not broken that easily. The handcuffs were not gone. I couldn’t see then that it would take years before I could walk away a free woman, released from what Duncan and I started all those years ago."

Book excerpt and photos - Chapter 1, page 4

12/7/2015

"I glanced down at the program brochure I’d prepared for the service as I continued reading the poem. The picture of Duncan taken at Byblos was on the cover, the poem by Auden on the inside. On the last page was a message from a gravestone beside St. Mary’s Church in Crawley Church End, (see photo to the left) the village where we lived. The graveyard was only a short walk from our house and Duncan had spent time there when he was sick. He even considered being buried there.
One day I asked him, “What if I return to Canada to live after this is all over—would you still want to be buried here?”
“No,” he replied, “I’d want to be in Canada too, in your family’s plot in Ontario. I have no place like that, where all my family is buried together.”
Duncan had envied that about me—that I know my family and want to be with them in life and in death.
While I kept his ashes with me for six years, I eventually took him home to Gananoque, on the shores of the Thousand Islands, to be buried with my father, my grandmother, grandfather, great-grandparents, and other ancestors from Ireland (see photo below)—at least one representative from every generation since the first of my family got off the boat in the 1850s."