http://mariashriver.com/blog/2016/04/6-ways-to-support-a-domestic-abuse-victim-karen-lee/
I am thrilled that my article on "How to support domestic abuse victims" has been chosen by Maria Shriver for her inspiring newsletter.
BY KAREN E. LEE / ON A MISSION / APRIL 14, 2016
I was a victim of both physical and emotional/psychological abuse, and it has taken me a long time to be able to both admit it to myself and admit it publicly. I did what many women do – felt shame that this was happening to me, felt responsible, hid it away and denied it to myself. I am a professional, well-educated woman who came from a non-violent family. My husband had a PhD and enjoyed a good income – not the sort of marriage that would normally be thought of as abusive. We went on holidays to Hawaii and Europe, had family ski passes and season tickets to the theatre. We could have been your neighbors, your work colleagues, your dinner companions. You might have thought we “had it all,” but if you had looked behind the scenes, you would have seen a different picture from the one we portrayed to the world. I was emotionally and financially tied to my abusive husband who regularly ranted, raved, screamed, swore, threatened, relentlessly criticized, broke furniture and otherwise vented his anger on us, his family, but mainly me, his wife.
If we, as the caring public, are going to combat domestic violence, it is important that we look it right in the eye, so please don’t flinch when you read the following statistics:
In the United States:
I have had much time to heal and have come up with six things that might have helped me in the past – things that might help women being subjected to the kind of abuse I was.
1. If you think someone is living in an abusive situation they likely are. Trust your instincts that tell you that something just isn’t right. Why does your neighbor never invite you to her home for coffee? Why is she so quiet and nervous and reluctant to share anything about her family life? Why do you hear yelling from her house on a regular basis?
2. Ask questions, not ones that assume something is wrong, but caring inquiries: Questions like “How are you?” And don’t stop at the standard “I’m fine.” Probe – gently. This takes skill, but if you are truly concerned, your sincerity will come through. Example, “If you ever need to talk, I’m happy to listen.” Or, “You know, I just heard from my sister, and she is having problems with a very difficult husband,” and see if she responds. Be caring but not intrusive.
3. If she discloses that something is wrong, believe her, let her talk and listen without judgment.
4. Find out about the help available in your community for domestic violence victims. That way, if someone does disclose something, you can suggest some resources.
5. Don’t make assumptions. Just because a woman dresses well or holds an important job doesn’t mean her marriage is happy. She may be putting on a show for the public and not know what to do about the situation.
6. Realize that there are many reasons why the woman may not leave right away. Don’t be afraid – something you say may stick in her mind and be of help later. When a woman friend heard my husband speak disrespectfully to me at a party, she asked me, “Why do you let him speak to you that way?” I couldn’t act on this comment at the time, but I remembered it later and realized what she was trying to say to me – “He treats you poorly and even does it in public.”
The general public, counselors, doctors, nurses, other healthcare professionals – everyone needs to examine their assumptions about domestic abuse if they are going to let themselves see and hear what their friends, neighbors, patients and clients are experiencing. Only then, we will collectively be able to shine a light on the hidden world of abuse and do something to help.
I am thrilled that my article on "How to support domestic abuse victims" has been chosen by Maria Shriver for her inspiring newsletter.
BY KAREN E. LEE / ON A MISSION / APRIL 14, 2016
I was a victim of both physical and emotional/psychological abuse, and it has taken me a long time to be able to both admit it to myself and admit it publicly. I did what many women do – felt shame that this was happening to me, felt responsible, hid it away and denied it to myself. I am a professional, well-educated woman who came from a non-violent family. My husband had a PhD and enjoyed a good income – not the sort of marriage that would normally be thought of as abusive. We went on holidays to Hawaii and Europe, had family ski passes and season tickets to the theatre. We could have been your neighbors, your work colleagues, your dinner companions. You might have thought we “had it all,” but if you had looked behind the scenes, you would have seen a different picture from the one we portrayed to the world. I was emotionally and financially tied to my abusive husband who regularly ranted, raved, screamed, swore, threatened, relentlessly criticized, broke furniture and otherwise vented his anger on us, his family, but mainly me, his wife.
If we, as the caring public, are going to combat domestic violence, it is important that we look it right in the eye, so please don’t flinch when you read the following statistics:
In the United States:
- 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime.
- More than 60% of domestic violence incidents happen at home.
- More than 4 million women a year experience physical assault and rape by their partners.
I have had much time to heal and have come up with six things that might have helped me in the past – things that might help women being subjected to the kind of abuse I was.
1. If you think someone is living in an abusive situation they likely are. Trust your instincts that tell you that something just isn’t right. Why does your neighbor never invite you to her home for coffee? Why is she so quiet and nervous and reluctant to share anything about her family life? Why do you hear yelling from her house on a regular basis?
2. Ask questions, not ones that assume something is wrong, but caring inquiries: Questions like “How are you?” And don’t stop at the standard “I’m fine.” Probe – gently. This takes skill, but if you are truly concerned, your sincerity will come through. Example, “If you ever need to talk, I’m happy to listen.” Or, “You know, I just heard from my sister, and she is having problems with a very difficult husband,” and see if she responds. Be caring but not intrusive.
3. If she discloses that something is wrong, believe her, let her talk and listen without judgment.
4. Find out about the help available in your community for domestic violence victims. That way, if someone does disclose something, you can suggest some resources.
5. Don’t make assumptions. Just because a woman dresses well or holds an important job doesn’t mean her marriage is happy. She may be putting on a show for the public and not know what to do about the situation.
6. Realize that there are many reasons why the woman may not leave right away. Don’t be afraid – something you say may stick in her mind and be of help later. When a woman friend heard my husband speak disrespectfully to me at a party, she asked me, “Why do you let him speak to you that way?” I couldn’t act on this comment at the time, but I remembered it later and realized what she was trying to say to me – “He treats you poorly and even does it in public.”
The general public, counselors, doctors, nurses, other healthcare professionals – everyone needs to examine their assumptions about domestic abuse if they are going to let themselves see and hear what their friends, neighbors, patients and clients are experiencing. Only then, we will collectively be able to shine a light on the hidden world of abuse and do something to help.
RSS Feed